Tilting at Windmills

We're at pub quiz. The person next to me looks at their spouse, on the table over (our group was so large, we had to split into two teams). Their spouse jokes, "If you guys win, I'm going to be so upset."

Our team laughs, except for the one next to me, who asks, "Are you mad at me? Cause I can't tell if you're serious. My anxiety is concerned."

They were reassured, and the night moved on.

It stuck with me, though. I couldn't figure out why. Surely, I thought, it's healthy to communicate your fears to your loved ones and be reassured? Surely that's a good thing.

We had another get together. Someone made a joke. The anxious one shrunk until it was clarified.

To be clear. These weren't difficult jokes to see as jokes, silly things like "oh, and you hate that color" for a color someone wore all over, the sarcasm exaggerated enough even my most autistic friends could catch it.

Why did this bug me so much?

Let's talk about relationships. They're meant to be built on mutual regard, and often a layer of trust. The mutual regard/respect allows for ideas to be exchanged, while the trust involves giving the other the benefit of the doubt when things may be misunderstood, instead of taking offense immediately at miscommunication.

There's a lot of things that are healthy for a period of time, and then they become a problem. And as time went on, I realized why these moments were sticking with me so hard.

It is healthy to reach out for support about anxieties like these – for a period. You're meant to be open about your needs. But--

You're meant to do so while you work on the deeper issue. It's not meant to be a forever cure. It's meant to be a band-aid while you take your antibiotics and heal the infection.

If you just slap a band-aid on an infected wound, it usually gets worse.

Anxiety and low self esteem create enemies out of thin air. They insist everyone is secretly mocking you, everyone secretly hates you, everyone here just pities you and tolerates you being around because they're too nice to tell you to leave. Anxiety and low self esteem create enemies out of friends. They always assume the worst of people.

I meet a person in the supermarket. I don't know them, they don't know me. I clutch my purse to my chest suspiciously. No, I didn't lash out. But I'm still being mean. They've done nothing to insinuate they're going to hurt me or steal from me. And yet I'm treating them like a criminal.

Assuming the worst of people is mean.

You know what's worse? Being kind, and loving someone, and still having them assume you'd treat them like shit on the regular.

Loving someone, and having them treat you like an enemy.

Supporting someone, and never gaining trust.

At some point it feels like gaslighting. Am I really such a bad person you'd think I'd actually be that cruel? Do you really think I'd fit right in with the Plastics, and be that fake to your face? What have I done to deserve being treated like Regina George?

When someone continually believes their mental illness over you, it's nearly impossible to not feel disregarded.

It's one thing, to have a bad day every once in a few months. It's one thing, to need support for a bit while you tackle the big stuff. It's one thing, to pull a partner aside for reassurance.

It's another thing to ask them, in public, if they're treating you like crap. To insinuate in public that they'd be that much of an asshole. To expect that people who don't know this person will assume that they're actually kind, instead of being concerned about some type of intimate partner violence. And on top of all that, expect the person you're accusing to reassure you that they're not a villain.

You've made up a bad guy, you're tilting at windmills, and you're asking the windmill owner for a bigger blade to hack at it with.

This leads to people leaving. Caregiver burnout is a real thing in relationships, and this is an easy way to burn out fast. So they distance themselves, for their own good, and the one with the mental illness feels, well, validated.

"See, they were a fake friend. They didn't like you anyway. You're not worth their time."

Only you were. You were worth their time, and they did like you, and they worked so hard to be your friend they eventually collapsed with the effort. Because you never truly treated them like a friend. You treated them like a covert enemy, ready to spring on you at any moment. And that's a mean thing to do to someone who's never done anything to harm you.

What you intend to do means very little. What you actually do means quite a lot.

I doubt anyone doing this intends to be mean. Not at all. But it doesn't prevent it from being mean.

It's much easier to make someone else reassure you than to do it yourself. But in the end, it's your mind and your mindset that needs to change, and you need to learn how to do the self-soothing on your own.

Mental illness is not your fault. But it is your responsibility. And it doesn't excuse being mean to other people.